La Ronde Lunaire

It was the top rated comment on youtube that made me put this video up on my blog:   

To me, the wolf symbolizes never ending loneliness. He moves on in life, searching for somebody, but no matter what, he is alone. It's an eternal struggle, a race against time that can never be won. Or maybe he wants to be lonely. Perhaps he runs from company to preserve his isolation.

--PsychoKrazyTime

It touched me. Because whenever I look at this video, I see my main character running into nowhere. I want people to love her as much as I do. But I'm starting to doubt she will get the chance to share her voice...or if a mass audience would even accept a character like her. Yeah, she's black. Yeah, she's gay. Yeah, she's a slave in the 1600s. Yeah, she practices Voodoo and Paganism. Yeah, she doesn't fit the traditional "werewolf" conventions. But so what? Can't people look beyond their preconceptions and just accept the story for what it is? 


Perhaps it's the PMDD talking...I dunno. But when I look at this video, I just see my main character running away from me. I begin to question whether or not I have the talent to get my book published...and then I get depressed. I am 23yrs old and quickly losing my bright-eyed optimism. I'm realizing for the first time that there is a great possibility that I will fail. I might never accomplish my dream to make it on a bookshelf someday. I might never become the "real writer" I've always imagined myself to be. 


Failure. It's a word I'm familiarizing myself with. And it doesn't feel good. 

Song Lyrics: "10x Stronger"

More song lyrics. I wrote this very angry song while I was seeing a therapist (if I remember correctly) What's a little angst between friends, right? :) Enjoy. 

"10x Stronger" 

I would've given you anything

mind body soul it was yours

a heart made of glass

and you threw it in the trash

Well I'm 10x stronger than I used to be

apologizing now will not work for me

can't seem to figure out I don't give a shit

whatever words you say won't make me forget

Dry your eyes

No more lies

I'm so damn tired of all these games

It's enough

So fed up

Just promise me you'll stay away

Let me crumble down

I hope you burn in hell

Let me crumble down

I hope you burn in hell

I really tried to be strong for you

I bore your load by myself

and you lost your mind

when you tossed me to the side

Well I'm 10x stronger than I used to be

apologizing now will not work for me

can't seem to figure out I don't give a shit

whatever words you say won't make me forget

Dry your eyes

No more lies

I'm so damn tired of all these games

It's enough

So fed up

Just promise me you'll stay away

Just stay away

Stay the hell away from me, won't you please? 

The Tragic Artist

Why are artists/writers generally credited as having sad, depressive, or traumatic life experiences?

Surely, there have been many famous "tragic artists" to warrant this stereotype--I'm sure names like Sylvia Plath, Edgar Allan Poe, and Ernest Hemingway immediately spring to mind. And there seems to be reliable evidence from numerous psychologists who have found positive correlations between writers and depression/bi-polar. The statistics point out that writers/artists/musicians/etc. have higher rates of mental illnesses than most other people.

But what about you guys?

For the writers/artists/musicians/etc. reading my blog have you struggled with a mental illness? Or do you know an artist who has?

I just finished a 2-month stint of intensive psychotherapy last month. So at least for me, mental illness has been an influential part of my life. At least in the beginning, my depression led me to take out my frustrations on pencil and paper. Having attempted suicide twice before the age of 18, it's safe to say the arts were a "life-saver" for me.

I began writing "angsty" poetry and horror stories as early as the first grade. I remember horrifying my second-grade teacher with poetry I wrote and read aloud to the class. Mass murderers, natural disasters, monsters, and other warped creations were a common theme in my poetry and short stories.

At my lowest, I was my most creative.

And now that I'm "clean" and healthy, I'm redefining what inspires my creativity. I don't need to be "tragic" to write anymore. My life is anything but tragic now! However, without the childhood abuse, I doubt I would've started writing in the first place. My childhood, although traumatic, has helped me become the person I am today.

So if you are a tragic artist, recognize the signs and get help for yourself. Depression is not something you have to endure in silence. Get the help you need. You deserve it.

Here is a resource for artists/writers who have mental illnesses. You can share your poetry and creative writing in front of a group of other artists who'll understand without passing judgement. I was on the site for a little bit, but I found I no longer needed it as I got better:

http://www.littleepisodes.org/

Some online resources for depression, bi-polar, and other mental illnesses:

http://www.depression.com/index.html

http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness

http://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/depression-resources

http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=Signs_symptoms